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I Don't Want to be PERCEIVED

I created this website as a sort of online diary where I can just spew my thoughts out into the world in the hopes that if I have some sort of THING to look back on, I'll be more motivated to create.

I'm the kind of person to buy a notebook and a stationary set and a fancy pen (that I already have from previously abandoned ventures, mind you) to then drop the journal idea a few days later. It's hard to handwrite things because I can really only write in cursive, which while BEAUTIFUL is also completely illegible. So this website here was a big swing. I wholeass purchased a website domain within a couple days of coming up with the idea. I'm also not very technologically advanced for a 25-year-old, so there was a big learning curve before I could actually start writing. So when I sat down to actually write, I realized that I'm not a writer. It was probably more demoralizing than I realized to discover that there are a million gabbing with gab blogs out there.

But then I was thinking, why is it demoralizing to see other blogs? I don't want this blog to become popular (can blogs even become popular?). I don't want to be perceived. Since I was little, I was weirdly terrified of putting stuff on the internet. I don't want to "ruin" my reputation was the thought process but I was like 12 at the time and what kind of 12 year old has a reputation to ruin? All of this to say that the goal of this blog is to tackle my issues with being vulnerable and being a control freak. I'm going to be honest about my thoughts on the internet and because it's always going to be on here, I can't control where it goes.

And it's not like I'm not honest about my opinions in my "real" life, I am actually way too honest about my opinions, anyone could tell you that. I think I just fear not being able to control who can see this, namely there are specific people who I don't want to see this. But I've anonymized as best as I can. So here I go, I promise you, dear random reader that may or may not ever exist, I'm going to tell you everything except my name.

It's actually very Dr. Who of me.

And I'll start with this. What's really holding me back, is my father finding this. Because if I decide to be honest about myself, then that's inextricably linked with him.

I wrote this extry when I first started this site. But I've been too scared to post it. Too scared of getting too real. But I'm posting it now, in April. Spring has come, I'm starting to walk in the sun.

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